The exorcism

Wednesday, August 24th: Little did I know, this was my last day of being pregnant. My mom had been in town for over a week in anticipation of Lena Eva’s arrival. I was three days past my due date – not too bad considering it was my first pregnancy. I had an appointment with my midwife to make sure everything was still good and they scheduled an ultrasound for the next week in case the baby still hadn’t come. After the appointment, we went to the mall so I could walk… and walk… and walk. Much like I’d been doing every day for the past few weeks. We even visited my friend from child birth class so I could hold her son in the hopes it would get something going. Nope, didn’t feel a thing. So on we went with our day; got a manicure then headed home for dinner and tv.

Large and in charge

My aunt called and mentioned a position she knew of for getting labor started. She’s been a chiropractor for 30+ years and said it worked for a lot of her patients. So I tried it. We probably should have filmed me getting into this position because I’m pretty sure it would have become a YouTube sensation. At 40+ weeks pregnant, I wouldn’t exactly call myself agile. It was basically child’s pose like you do in yoga but instead of being on the floor, my knees were on the couch and my hands were on the floor. My butt was flying high and my face was probably red as a tomato. I did this pose during every commercial break while watching Modern Family and within an hour, I knew something had changed. I felt my first contraction – it was just different from the Braxton Hicks I’d experienced though I can’t exactly describe it. So I went to bed figuring I was about to endure 24 hours of intense work.

12:30am, Thursday, August 25th

I texted the Sarge and told him to come home from work because the contractions were getting more regular. They were about 15 minutes apart and totally manageable but definitely following a pattern. I tried to sleep in between them but a mixture of excitement and terror sort of made that a joke. Also, I kept having to go to the bathroom to deal with the diarrhea issue I was having. That was fine with me though because I knew that if I pooped now, I wouldn’t be doing it on a table later. I’m not scared to poop but I prefer to do mine in the toilet rather than the delivery bed. The Sarge made sure I was eating a couple bites of protein every hour as well as drinking water so I’d have stamina to push out our little munchkin. Seeing as quite a few people would be up in my business, I also decided to take a shower. Then I decided I wanted to sit in the shower but I was too big to do that comfortably so the Sarge brought in a chair and a towel. Probably should have had a picture of that too because it was a ghetto set up. But it worked and I felt relaxed so, oh well!

By 5am, the contractions were getting stronger and more frequent so we called the Birthing Center to see what they said. I was having a 1.5 minute contraction every 5 minutes so they said to stay put. We woke up my mom and she sat with me while the Sarge started to get everything together. It was about at this point I realized I had an hour and 15 minute car ride ahead of me and I wanted to punch myself in the face. For whatever reason, the only comfortable way for me to have contractions was when I laid on my side and I wasn’t too sure how that would work in the car. My mom was trying to get me dressed so we could go and I think she was a little concerned about my choice of clothes. I would have happily gone naked but she didn’t think that was a good idea. So my “labor outfit” consisted of a white tank top from the Sarge, pink and blue polka dot daisy pukes and fake Uggs from Walmart. I’m nothing if not classy. Also, it was about 95 degrees outside plus humidity. Those boots were essential!

Killer boots, man

8am, Thursday, August 25th

The midwife gave us the okay to come in so I managed to get into the car and sit in the front seat. I had to stop a few times to ride out the contractions and remember having one while leaning on the car while thinking it was ridiculously hot outside. For some reason, that really pissed me off because I just wanted to get comfortable. I made it a couple miles before the first contraction hit in the car – while I was sitting in the front seat. Talk about a freak out. My mouth was running and arms were flailing because it was so uncomfortable. So we pulled over and I got in the back seat to lay down with my body pillow. Forget the seat belt – I may have killed someone if they tried to strap anything around my belly. Bottom line, that car ride SUCKED! The contractions were getting more intense by the minute and at some point I felt like I had to push. The Sarge may or may not have soiled his pants at that point. All I know is we did an hour and 15 minute drive in 45 minutes.

We got to the Birthing Center at 9:30 and they put us in the blue room. I laid on the bed, they listened to the heartbeat and suddenly, I felt like I was going to be sick. Throwing up while pregnant is a whole different experience. It’s like you get this superhuman puke reflex and could probably blow chunks for miles. Add labor on top of that and you’ve got some serious force. So serious, in fact, that it managed to shoot out my mucus plug. That will make you feel attractive, let me tell you. The midwife suggested I get in the tub since she had checked me and I was at a 5 or 6. I had asked them not to say but she slipped and I really didn’t even care at that point. I got in the tub, it felt great, and then a contraction hit. Holy crap – worst contraction of the whole entire labor!! I had planned to labor and deliver in the tub but I HATED it. I felt like I was being electrocuted while my body was turning itself inside out. It was awful. I only had a couple contractions in the tub and then I was able to breathe for a couple minutes. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was in transition. After my few moments of relaxation, I became extremely alert and absolutely knew, without a doubt, that I was about to poop in the tub. Like it was coming and nothing would stop it. So the Sarge helped me out and plopped me on the toilet. I heard myself let out this manly grunt – we’re talking bear in the woods type growl – and the midwife came running in. I kept telling her I needed to push so they got me on the bed to check again. Surprise! Time to push – crazy how your body just takes over.

They put me on my side and Jason held up one leg while the bottom one was extended out. I started pushing just like I’d been taught. This part is a big blur so I don’t know how many times I pushed in this position but at some point, they told me the baby was turned wrong so I needed to get on all fours. Surprisingly, this position felt awesome. And I started pushing like my life depended on it. We’re talking veins bulging, legs shaking, red face and to the point of blacking out. Then I’d rest in between and say really sweet things about becoming a mom. Things like, “son of a b!*&h! this is a lot of work,” “just get her ouuuuttt!,” and “i’m never, ever doing this sh&% again!” It was a really loving moment for all of us. After about 10 minutes of pushing, they started to see her head. That’s when it got serious. I could see the finish line and I was about to sprint til I puked. I started pushing even harder and I started making “noise.” At some point, the midwife told me that if I yelled the baby out, it would protect my perineum. Consider me an overachiever because I didn’t just yell, I exorcised that baby out. Picture every primal noise every made and throw in all the swear words you know – that was me. I wanted that baby out so bad I didn’t care that it felt like she was coming out the wrong hole. I didn’t care that it felt like my lady bits were on fire. I just wanted her OUT! After 20 total minutes of pushing, my water broke, she came slithering out and I was holding a slimy, purple, gnome looking things in my arms. Hallelujah!!!!!!! She was healthy, I was healthy and I never had to be pregnant again!

Our little gnome

By | 2017-02-28T13:56:21+00:00 September 30th, 2011|Party Hardy, Personal|0 Comments

About the Author:

Wife, mama, graphic designer, and documentary photographer. Never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. I love celebrating special occasions, exploring new cities through their local cuisine, and kissing my babies incessantly.

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