The Sarge went to Urgent Care last night because his throat was hurting and he had white dots all around his tonsils. They said it was Strep Throat, gave him Penicillin and sent him home. I got an overly energetic phone call this morning on my way to work because he wanted to tell me that his uvula (little dangly thing in the back of your throat) now had white bumps on it as well. He had gone online and diagnosed himself with tonsil stones. Seriously. And he was calling because he had “extracted the stones” (his own words) with a q-tip. This was the voice of a man filled with pride. He kep telling me how his tonsil stones were bigger than average; huge, really; and there were still a couple he needed to get out. He pushed me over the edge, however, when he told me he had saved them for me to look at when I get home. In fact, he phrased it by saying, “I have them on a plate for you to look at.” I almost drove off the road thinking he had placed some sort of nasty science experiment on our kitchenware. He then clarified that the plate was actually an envelope and he promised not to throw them away until I had a chance to inspect them closely. Isn’t he a sweetheart?!
Sadly, he wasn’t joking. Like a preteen boy, he produced the envelope as soon as I got home but was extremely disappointed because apparently the stones had shrunk in size and changed from white to brown throughout the course of the day. The envelope came dangerously close to my face (within 5 feet) and I caught a glimpse of the magical stones. Holy crap, I almost puked. Lest you think I made this up, please enjoy this photo I snapped for proof:
The final straw was when he told me he was very concerned about halitosis which is apparently a side effect of tonsil stones. He wanted me to smell them and say whether or not I thought the odor was offensive. Let me tell you what was offensive… the suggestion itself!!!! I’m not sure what happened overnight but apparently my husband has lost his mind. If anyone finds it, I’m offering a reward of several small magical stones – maybe you can plant them and live out a real life fairy tale like Jack and the Bean Stalk.